If you have a gut feeling or suspicions that your partner might be cheating, it can be an absolute minefield trying to figure out what’s really going on and get to the truth. You question his behaviour and your own thought patterns constantly; going back and forth between seeing things that he’s doing or ways that he’s acting that you are sure indicate that something is going on, then flipping to asking yourself what’s wrong with you? Where are you getting these ideas from and why are you so paranoid? What’s wrong with you?!
Gut feeling or instinct can be a good guide and reliable alarm indicator that you need to pay attention to. However, there could also be other stuff going on for you that’s putting your judgement and thought patterns just a little off their target right now so it’s worth taking your time to really assess the situation and think clearly before making any accusations or taking any action.
Most of us know the obvious signs that someone is cheating on us; if you’ve found flirty text messages or social media communications between the one you love and another person it’s likely that something is going on or that something might be going on very soon!
Even worse, if you have actually caught your partner in a compromising situation or meeting up with someone else when they had said they were busy with work or other activities, it’s obvious that you have a problem.
Similarly, if your partner has started spending significant amounts of time with someone you don’t feel is just a friend, especially when it’s at the expense of time spent with you, there is likely to be trouble on the horizon.
If someone you know and trust really well has told you that your partner is cheating and has provided reliable evidence or confirmation of tis, you probably again need to consider the painful reality that the person you love is interested in someone else and not being faithful to you.
However, what if none of the obvious signs are there yet you still have this nagging doubt, this fear and worry that won’t go away and you just feel somewhere inside that things just aren’t right and are suspicious of infidelity? There are some more subtle signals that he will find harder to hide and that you can look out for. Don’t jump to conclusions and react the minute you think you spot one of these signals but take your time, observe him and keep a note of how many you observe and on what kind of frequency before making your mind up about what’s going on and what to do next:
- He’s started to regularly mention someone else’s name in conversation and manages to get them into most subjects. He tends to say something positive about them; repeating a suggestion or thought they have shared with him, or speaking with admiration or laughter about something they said or did. He won’t notice he is doing this but you will…..
- He’s started to make more of an effort with his appearance; this may be super subtle as he won’t want to alert you or make it obvious to the object of his (current) affections, but there’s just little things. He may have started eating healthier or going to the gym more. Maybe he’s taking that little bit more time on his hair or beard, has finally started plucking that annoying monobrow or has begun taking more interest in his dental hygiene! He might have bought new clothes or started wearing scent. They may be subtle signs and changes but he’s spending that bit longer in the bathroom for a reason….
- He’s become a little less casual about where he leaves his mobile phone and he’s using it or checking it more frequently. He might even seem somewhat furtive or secretive in the way he uses his phone, moving his body slightly so you can’t seen what he’s writing, taking it with him to the bathroom or going into another room to answer calls. If these are unusual behaviours for your partner there’s a chance he might be trying to hide something or is talking to someone he shouldn’t be.
- If he’s playing away with someone you know, perhaps a friend or family member or someone in your social circle, it might be that you can observe subtle indicators in his behaviours and presentation when they are around. Does he smile or laugh more around a certain someone, become more fun or engaging? Does he pay them compliments or watch them, stealing glances when he thinks no one will notice? Check his body language; does he position himself in the proximity or eyeline of this person? Does he turn his body placement to be open towards them? Do his pupils enlarge when he looks at them? Does he mimic their body language and provide them with extended direct eye contact when speaking with them? Do you feel like you’re invisible or forgotten about when that person is present?
- You could just feel like he has become distant; like he is not fully present or engaged when he is with you. Things feel different then they did before. Maybe he isn’t touching you or approaching you sexually like he used to or maybe he finds excuses such as being tired or needing to do something suddenly when you approach him. Maybe you are still being intimate together but it feels more detached and mechanical and less loving on his side.
- He has less time for you and is generally a lot more busy or unavailable then he used to be. Maybe he is “working” later or has started seeing friends more or going to the gym more frequently and for longer periods. This could all be time that he is really spending with someone else if this seems keep happening. Of course it could just be that he has a lot of work on or has decided its time to care more about his fitness, but worth keeping an eye on or perhaps suggesting you join him for his next gym sesh!
- The little things that you both cared about have stopped or reduced; maybe you used to text each other regularly during the day and his texts have lessened or he doesn’t reply as much as he used to, or his texts have become briefer and less affectionate. Maybe he doesn’t use a nickname for you anymore or isn’t interested in some of the regular things that you both used to do and enjoy together? These could be signs that he’s now doing those things with someone else and doesn’t need to do them with you anymore.
- He is irritable and annoyed with you; you feel like you just can’t do anything right or that he’s suddenly criticising things you do that he never had a problem with before. He’s started to point out flaws that were not mentioned previously and that you even thought he found endearing! It could just be general stress or that he’s feeling a little low but it could be stress brought on by the high pressure situation of cheating on you and his head having been turned by someone that, for the moment at least, he sees as more desirable than you. He may feel frustrated to be with you and not her and (wrongly) be taking this out on you. This hurts and its completely unfair but it could be a sign that he’s found another love.
Thinking that your partner is cheating is always extremely painful and upsetting, and finding out that they definitely are can completely floor the most independent and resilient amongst us. Matters of the heart hit the hardest but sometimes its better to find out and have the chance to heal and move on then live with less than you’re worth for the rest of your life.
But be cautious and think hard before you take any action; look out for the above subtle signs that he’s cheating and if several are cropping up in your relationship it’s probably time for a conversation…..
If you do suspect he is cheating and would like to catch him in the act or just give yourself peace of mind it may be worth hiring a private investigator. At Bond Rees, we have private investigators in London, Cardiff, Manchester, Birmingham and many other places in the UK. Get in touch to see which office is closest to you.