That dreaded feeling when the thought occurs that your husband might be cheating on you; the drop in your stomach, the thump in your heart, the inability to eat, sleep or focus on anything else. There is no pain greater than heartbreak and the thought that this man whom you committed to and thought you were going build a life and spend the rest of your days with, whom you have invested so much time, effort and emotion in, maybe giving his attention and love to another person is devastating.
How can you be sure that your suspicions are correct or put your mind at rest that your husband has remained faithful to you and move forward with your life and relationship?
It’s important to detach the emotion from your thinking and actions; yes, I appreciate that is far easier said than done. Matters of the heart take over our entire being and can literally feel like the difference between life and death so it’s going to be pretty difficult to take a neutral and practical stance when we are talking about the person you truly love.
However, it’s essential that you try and make decisions in a sound mind with objective evidence to support your conclusion so allow yourself time to be emotional; be angry, be upset, wallow at times, take those moments to self-indulge and allow the full force of your emotions to be felt, but don’t use these times to make decisions.
Set aside time when you are going to force yourself to be analytical and objective to consider your suspicions and evidence from an outsider perspective and do not confront your husband or send him texts or accusatory telephone calls until you have done this. It’s better for you in the long run. Talk to trusted and discreet friends or family members to gain another’s perspective and reflect on your own observations and thoughts.
Once you have fully reviewed the situation and built up evidence as opposed to just gut feelings, it’s probably time to have a talk with your husband.
Pick your time wisely to do this; make sure you are in a stable and rational psychological state, choose a time when you and your husband will not be disturbed by children, work or other factors and check that your husband is in a good place to receive your conversation; if he has just got in from a stressful day at work, is hungry or has other plans its probably best to bide your time and wait for an opportunity where both of you are in the right state for a productive, respectful and open conversation. Don’t approach your husband with hostility or accusation; use “I”, explaining how you feel and why and what this has made you suspect or think might be happening. Be curious and questioning, not confrontational and demanding There could be something else entirely going on for your husband, but he is not going to share this with you if he feels under scrutiny or attack.
So how do you get to the place where you can feel sure enough about your concerns to be confident in addressing these with your husband?
Firstly, look deeper into why you have these suspicions? When did they start? What triggered them? What is the basis for your suspicions?
Is it that he has stopped being interested in you or showing you the same level of attention or care that he was? Think what this might be about and if there may be another explanation? Is your husband stressed or worried about work or other elements of his personal life? Have you been arguing more later and is there more tension in your relationship which may cause him to back off from you? Have you been less interested in him, and he has noticed this, or is he feeling lower self esteem or confidence for any reason? Is he struggling with his mental or even physical health? Have you changed in some way that may make him less attracted to you? It’s worth considering all the possibilities behind this behaviour change before making the assumption he is cheating.
Have you noticed your husband is texting or using social media more? Is he going online and being evasive or secretive in his behaviours around this? Has he suddenly stopped being relaxed about his mobile phone, keeping it on him and going out of your sight or earshot to use it?
These are admittedly not good signs but could also be an indicator of something else going on. Maybe he has something complex going on at work that is confidential and that he needs to keep private even from you. Maybe he is being a good friend to someone and being discreet about a problem or issue they have shared with him and asked him to keep quiet about.
Maybe he is arranging some big and wonderful surprise for you?! Keep an eye on it and see if anything comes of it, or if the behaviour increases or is prolonged then tackle him about it in an open, curious and non-confrontational way. He may be relieved to share his situation with you or he may clam up completely or become defensive which could confirm your suspicions.
Has someone else informed you that your husband is cheating? Think about the allegation carefully and how reliable this information really is; does this person have something to gain from hurting you, your husband or your relationship?
How well do you know and trust this person? How well does this person know you and your husband, and where did they get this information from; did they see it with their own eyes or is this rumour or gossip? Is this person jealous of your relationship or do they harbour a romantic interest in you or your husband?
Does this person have a pattern or history of making such accusations? If this is a person that you know well and trust then its worth considering their claim but if this is an unreliable or questionable source then apply caution before believing everything they say.
Have you seen specific evidence yourself that your husband is cheating? Have you noticed that he lights up when a particular person is around and switches on the charm?
Does he mention someone’s name at an above-average rate in daily conversation or have you seen flirty texts, emails or social media messages?
Have you actually observed him or overheard him arranging to meet up with someone? Even if his actions haven’t actually yet amounted to sexual intercourse or acts, the fact that he is communicating in a sexual manner with someone or spending inappropriate time with them is hurtful to you and damaging to your relationship.
He is not respecting the boundaries and you need to address this with him but, again, make sure you do this when you and he are in the right place to be rational and productive in your communications around this.
Overall, there are lots of behaviours or situations that could indicate that your husband is cheating on you.
But there are also a multitude of other reasons that could be behind a change in actions or usual behaviours for your husband. It’s best to review the reasons behind your suspicions and the evidence to support these with a clear head, share the burden of your concerns with others you trust who can help you to talk through and reflect on these and to be able to approach your husband in a positive and non-hostile manner to talk about how you are feeling and your relationship.
There are all sorts of actions you can take to help repair your relationship or even to move on together if he has done that terrible act of cheating on you, but first of all you need clarity so that you can start to make decisions about what to do next and how you feel.
If you do suspect your husband is cheating on you then you may want to consider hiring a private investigator. At Bond Rees we have local private investigators all around the UK who have experience in catching cheating husbands. We have offices in London, Cardiff, Bristol and many more places. Get in touch to see the closest office to you.